When captains have nothing better to do
by JeanThine
Summary: The title is pretty self explanatory. Up to four chapters now, fifth will be in by next week.
1. L'ouvrette brilliante

When Captains have nothing better to do

Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine.

Kyoraku chewed on a blade of grass. Mayuri prayed that he had poisoned that patch of grass earlier. Unohana was already thinking of an antidote in case Mayuri's wish came true. Hitsugaya was complaining about Kuchiki taicho not taking him seriously. Byakuya was busy being aloof. Soi Fong was staring absently over the hills, hoping she could see some form of treason, any excuse to get out of here. Ukitake and Yamamoto were in deep conversation, about the newer Shinigami and the falling standards of the academy. Zaraki and Komamura were in shallow conversation, about the sexual appeal of bells and an eye patch versus a mask, that in Zaraki's loudly voiced opinion looked like he had a wine cask stuck on his head. Aizen and Gin were talking quietly in a manner that probably would spark gossip. Tousen was pretending to be alert, but if anyone checked under his visor, they would find his eyes closed and the ninth division captain sound asleep.

It was an exercise that had been recommended to improve the integrity of the Gotei 13. It was just a slow season. Lot less hollows, lot less pluses to bury. So the captains had gone to the mountains for some fresh air and relaxation. Soi Fong thought the 'integrity' part was bullshit. Anyone steps outta line and two stabs from Suzembachi puts 'em in their place. But the air was nice, even if the company and conversation was mind numbing.

"So wait a minute, wait a minute." The 11th division captain interrupted Komamura "You're saying that because the mask makes you look all mysterious and stuff that more women will want to sleep with you?"

"It's got a better chance than wearing an eye patch and bells for Christs sake."

"And how many women want to sleep with a guy your size to begin with. Regardless of whatever deformities that wine cask of yours is hiding?"

"As if you can talk. A homicidal maniac, covered in scars mostly accompanied by a little kid!"

"Hey, women like that, seeing a guy can take care of a child is a real strong point."

"Yeh, until the kid starts picking fights and swinging swords around. Your crazy kid would scare anyone off!"

"Hey, you be careful how you talk about Yachiru round me barrel head."

"That's it! You wanna take this outside?"

"We are outside…"

"I know that I just meant…"

"Now, now gentlemen I think we can all agree that the two of you know nothing about attracting the opposite sex." Butted in Kyoraku, who was after all not poisoned ("Yet" thought Mayuri)

"Oh, up yours Shunsui! Have you even gotten into Nanao's pants yet?" Said Zaraki

And the bickering continued

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I might finish this piece if i get enough reviews, but for now this is it


	2. Part Deux

Tousen was sick of these people and their vile, injust ways. So rather go around with his normal 'I've got the moral high ground so you can kiss my ass' attitude, he decided to have a nice nap. Did you know that blind people can't even dream what something looks like? Tousen was dreaming of coming into his fukutaicho's chambers. He thought he felt another spiritual prescence, but it vanished so he thought it must have been his imagination. He felt the sudden urge to start preaching at his vice captain about something or other so he sat down on the bed. He heard sheets rustling, but he didn't hear Hisagi move. He continued to talk for a while before he heard a giggle. He ignored it and finished his sermon. As he was walking out the door he apologised to "the woman in the bed" for having to sit through all that. The reply came back "Uh... actually sir, it's Kira." Tousen doesn't blush often. But the other Shinigami swore he blushed up on that hill just then.

Unohana and Kurotsuchi don't talk so much. They only talk when they have to, because they are both very efficient people and they don't waste time with idle chit-chat. Sadly, time was going to be wasted here anyway. So they caught up on what had happened over the last few years. Talked about politics. Argued about morals relating to medicine.

"If the patient survives, then does it matter if they lose one or two limbs in the process? And those organs could go to better help other patients! It's win-win!"

"If we take it without permission, we're practically stealing! Ends do not justify means!"

"Sure they do, only scared religous types think that!"

"What even happened to my tenth seat? When are you going to return him?"

"I told you ten years ago, when the trials are complete!"

Unohana smiled for a while. At this moment several squads, including one kindly donated by the eleventh division captain, were breaking into twelfth division to rescue the seated officer. The bickering went on for a while, and Unohana started to remember the other reason she never talks with Kurotsuchi Mayuri.

Aizen loved his blade. It was so useful for situations like this. He simply used the power to make them all think he and Gin were talking quietly, and he could be making love to his true vice captain right in front of them. Of course that time was Gin's idea, and it was quite hard to concentrate and maintain the illusion. Soi Fong had starred at him the whole next week, so he didn't intend to try that one again.

Hitsugaya was pretty sick of the whole being short thing. He had to yell at that baka Kuchiki to look down when he tried to get his attention. And of course he was reminded every time Matsumoto turned around and whacked him square in the face with the twins. Komamura almost sat on him once! The great oaf had explained that his mask gave him bad proofreal vision, while rubbing his somewhat frozen behind. It waa like they thought he was a joke. Kuosaki Isshin disappears so lets fill him in with a kid, see if anyone notices. (A/N Just a theory) "Well that's it" Hitsugaya thought. "Next person looks down at me gets Hyorinmaru in the face."

"Oh Hitsugaya-kun" Called out Kuchiki Byakuya

Nervous twitch Hitsugaya-_kun?_

Yamamoto chuckled to himself as he watched his children play together. He always considered all the captains as his children. Mostly because they behaved in a way befitting of children. Soi Fong was holding back Hitsugaya who had a piece of Kuchiki's best scarf between his teeth. Ukitake was holding back his kindred spirit who was trying to "Defend Nanao-chan's honour" by beating up both Komamura and Kenpachi. Tousen was slightly snoring and everyone had already taken the oppurtunity to draw on his face. He now had several mustaches and scars drawn on him. Kurotsuchi was doubled over in pain after Unohana "Accidentally" kneed him in the groin. Aizen and Gin where still whispering in each others ears. And in that way Yamamoto was quiet proud of his children. That even though they were Shinigami, there were times when they could forget the harsh duty of their role, and just act like children for a while.

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A/N

Hello folks, JeanThine here. I just want to tell you all that THE STORY DOESN'T HAVE TO END HERE. With all my pieces, I am up to the challenge of improving them. If you point out a flaw, I will fix it. For some stories and this one in particular I will be bowing to pressure to continue it. If the review count reaches 10 then i will make another chapter. I have an idea, but I am glad to take suggestions.

The next chapter will be with the captains staying the night at a hotel, sharing a single dormitory. It'd be a shame, of no one where to review and the world would never know what was to happen. 3 MORE REVIEWS!!!!


	3. No Zanpaktous at the Dinner Table

When Captains have nothing better to do

Part Three: No Zanpaktous at the dinner table

Okay, divisional warfare averted. Kuchiki had a new scarf, Hitsugaya had apologized and Zaraki and Komamura had agreed that they were both too hideous to consider dating. But now Soi Fong didn't have any excuse to stab people any more. She was so bored her inner child was telling her to break down and start sobbing. Of course she wouldn't do that, it would lose her the respect of all the captains. Not that she needed respect when she had Suzembachi, but it's nice to have these things.

About twenty minutes ago Ol' Yama had left them saying they'd meet up and the hotel for dinner. That was his way of saying that they had twenty minutes to grow up, act their rank and get their butts over to the hotel. So Shunsui figured that he had twenty minutes to get back at Komamura and Kenpachi. First attempt was a failure. Shunsui would call it a draw but no matter what, but when a two ton armoured giant falls on you because he sat on an ants nest that may or may not have been camoflaged, then it's your loss.

The hotel was situated way up in the hills overlooking East Rukongai. It was pretty new looking, which probably meant it had been constructed purely for the purpose of this vacation. What a waste of resources Soi Fong thought with a sickening feeling of how many people could have used the time and materials for better things than this. But that's what having an aristocracy does to a civilisation. Coming from a lower class family herself she knew that the resources could be used for better things than the high ranking captain's relaxation. She let out a small, inaudible sigh for the waste and then decided not to dwell on it. Instead she would use the energy to bug Kuchiki, who was already a bit frazzled after having Hitsugaya attack him.

Byakuya slowly came back to reality and recognised where he was. One of the greatest skills he possessed was the ability to completely zone out and continue going through the motions without anyone noticing. It was a skill he hadn't perfected until he became a captain. Back when Yoruichi was mentoring him she had noticed him walk into a wall while he was practising. That was a very annoying thing to live down, and he was almost glad when she betrayed Soul Society because he wouldn't have to suffer her reminding him. He now realised that they must be about to have dinner, because they were in a dining room of sorts. It was much more cramped than the Kuchiki house, but it was just a ryokan up in the mountains, so he hadn't expected that much. The real trouble started when the food came, because he had already ordered while he was zoning out and therefore had no idea what he had asked for. Eventually, the food came and Byakuya was rather dismayed to realize he'd managed to order something that had tentacles. This was not good, he didn't want to eat this stuff, but of course if he said that there'd be explanations required as to why he ordered something he wouldn't eat. A glance around the table, oh thank the gods, Tousen was sitting next to him, so he devised a quick plan. He kicked Kyoraku under the table who quickly yelled out about it, and while everyone was distracted by the noise, he switched plates with Tousen. The perfect crime. Except when Tousen called over the waiter and said he hadn't ordered seafood.

Kenpachi chuckled to himself. When everyone had sat down to the table and ordered, Kuchiki had just remained still and not said anything, so after they figured out he was doing his zoning out thing again, Soi Fong suggested they order something really disgusting and see what he would do. His pride wouldn't allow for him to send it back, so would he actually taste it? But now he had his own issues. Everyone around him was eating in a way befitting their character, Ukitake was sitting up straight and slowly eating his steak piece by piece, Kurotsuchi was intently dissecting his dish (intestines of something or other), Soi Fong was stabbing her food as if it were a traitor. And that meant that naturally he, Kenpachi, would have to eat with his bare hands, tearing his food apart like a barbarian. Problem was, he didn't want to. Mostly cause he was wearing his favourite kimono and didn't want to get sauce all over it, and he didn't like getting his hands all sticky with anything but blood. Truth was, he normally ate quite dignified, but he didn't want the other captains to think he was softening up. He even knew how to use a knife and fork, those crazy western eating utensils, but he'd never let on.

"So Hitsugaya-kun, how's Rangiku-chan doin'?" Ichimaru asked the youngest captain

"Matsumoto-fukutaicho is well and you'd do well to call me by my rank Ichimaru-taicho" was the icy reply

"Oh come on, we're all buddies here, ya should lighten up."

"We're colleagues; we don't know each other well enough to talk that familiarly."

"But I know all about you" interjected the Fifth division captain "Hinamori-chan never stops talking about you, Shiro-chan this and Shiro-chan that"

"Hinamori-san and I have known each other for a while, but she should still call me by rank" Hitsugaya replied thinking of how he'd kill Hinamori for using his nickname around her captain. It was hard enough to keep the respect of these people without Hinamori going around talking about him as if he were just an average child.

"Alright, alright no offence meant. I was just commenting on my fukutaicho's chatter." And then to Ichimaru "Perhaps he gets cranky if he doesn't have his afternoon nap"

"That's it!" Yelled the child prodigy and leapt across the table at the two.

Less than a minute later the hot-blooded Shinigami with the icy personality was unconscious and lying in a rather uncomfortable postion, slumped over a chair.

"Kurotsuchi, do you really think it was a good idea to give him a tranquilizer? I mean, he's strong and all but don't those things work by body weight?" A concerned Soi Fong asked

"He'll be fine in an hour or so" dismissed the 12th division captain. The child's leg twitched in a worrying way.

"Besides" continued Mayuri "I'd be more worried about Kyoraku" who at that very second began retching on to his plate.

As Soi Fong rushed off to check out what was happening, Mayuri quietly whispered to himself "Victory"

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A/N

Hello peoples,

I just want to say, thank you for the overwhleming support I recieved to continue the story, my time is limited so I can only continue any of my stories if people actually read and review them. So it's the same deal as last time. If the review count reaches 15 then the story goes ahead. Also with your reviews while i get a high out of hearing 'loved it' all the time it doesn't help my writing style. Point out flaws, be critical and most importantly REVIEW!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! THEY TOOK MY CAT!!!!!


	4. AfterDinner Conversation

When Captains Have Nothing Better To Do

Part Four: After-Dinner Conversation

Mayuri's head hurt. Okay he had misgauged the boy's body mass, but he thought that a difference of ten or so millilitres wouldn't provoke so adverse a reaction. So naturally he was surprised when the boy woke up too early spouting gibberish. And naturally he wanted to examine the phenomena before anyone interfered with the subject. So it was only to be expected that he would have tried to move there in a hurry. What was unexpected was that Ukitake, the bastard, would have already realised that the food was intentionally poisoned, by Mayuri, and accordingly stuck his leg out when the twelfth division captain rushed past. The following events involved: a passing waitress, a badly situated chair, the dessert for the evening and being trodden on by Unohana, who was on her way to check on Hitsugaya. (A/N Happy lcarey?) This was the main reason Mayuri's head and assorted other parts now hurt.

Unohana, while always pleased to walk over Mayuri, was now very worried about the tenth division's captain. He was alright, maybe, but he seemed to be acting, a bit out of sorts. After she had taken her sweet time hurting the president of the Shinigami Research Institute, she had gone to the child and found him in a sort of daze. After a glass of water he calmed down a little, but he had this creepy grin on his face. He thanked her, a little too politely, and then excused himself to go to the bathroom, before heading off towards the kitchen. With a sigh she gave up, he'd land on his feet whatever was wrong with him.

Tsukidate Chiyo was panicking in a major way. She was going to be executed for sure. She had just punched out one of the thirteen most powerful Shinigami in soul society. In her state of panic she was so half crazy she thought he might be dead. She was going to be killed if they found him. So she did the only logical thing… she put the unconscious captain in a broom closet, which was a good thing because about half a second after she closed the door she was accosted by the captain of the second division. Thankfully Soi Fong-taicho wasn't overly annoyed by the kitchen girl shrieking. She just asked if the girl had seen Hitsugaya-taicho, since he came this way. Chiyo stuttered her way towards a "no taicho", which unconvincing as it sounded seemed enough for the captain level. It was unfortunate because she hesitated a second which was just long enough for Hitsugaya's unconscious body to come tumbling out of the closet.

"You have three seconds to explain why Hitsugaya is unconscious, why he was in the closet and why you just lied to me." Was the mandate of Soi Fong, hence the smaller girl burst out the answer as fast as she could.

"Iwasjustcleaningupinhereandthenhecameandsaidiwasprettyandtriedtotouchmesoihithimandhefelldownandthenihidhimintheclosetsoyouwouldn'tknowand PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

Soi Fong restrained herself from laughter. "So you say Hitsugaya tried to make a move on you, and you defended yourself"

"uh-huh" The kitchen hand was almost in tears

"Then there's no problem. I'll take him with me and you can get back to your duties."

Chiyo definitely had had enough excitement for the day so she didn't question the taicho and instead ran all the way home after her shift.

Soi Fong managed to drag Hitsugaya out of that kitchen with a serious face on but the second she reached the main dining room, she burst out laughing so hard her sides hurt and she had to lean against a wall for support. As the other captains inquired to her mirth she felt it her duty to reveal Hitsugaya's dirty little secret.

"Casanova her was just punched out by a kitchen hand after he tried to make a move on her." She said between fits of laughter. The reaction was mixed. Ichimaru and Aizen, though they still had bite wounds from the last time they mocked the Tenth division captain, both cracked up laughing. Kenpachi and Kyoraku, who was now better after being served an 'old mountain cure' by a waitress with assets to rival Matsumoto-fukutaicho, both had a good chuckle. Mayuri wasn't actually paying attention and was confused as to what the joke was. Kuchiki, who hadn't learned his lesson after all, was zoning out again. Unohana, Ukitake, Tousen and Komamura simultaneously sweat-dropped. Since everyone was busy focusing on Hitsugaya, nobody actually noticed that Yamamoto was chuckling quietly.

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This is part four in, I hope you all like it. Because of the review count being so high this time, I'm not going to be bitchy by asking for more! Part 5 will be in within a week, and from now on I'll update whenever I can, regardless of reviews. But for the love of God don't stop reviewing. If you want the story to go somewhere you need to tell me in a review or PM, because my psychic abilities just aren't what they used to be. All right, next week Part 5: It's Going to Be a Long Night


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